My life in a nut shell the past couple of months, has felt like a winding roller coaster of emotions and events.

I started a new job working at a very prestigous eye center and I actually really liked this job for the most part. There is always going to be something you dont like about a place. I prayed for this job and asked God to bring me this job, and I got it and I am sure it was God's hand in doing this for me. But as I began to look at what I was actually taking home from this job after paying out child care, gas, food, and other costs I wasnt making any money. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was deep and I thought about this for weeks. Should I stay or should I go went through my mind. After thinking about well did God really intend for me to have this job? or was it something I asked for, that he gave me but wasnt something that I was really suppose to have or need. I think that God gives us what we ask for and then we get it we are like, what in the world am I doing here? Someone else is watching my kids and I missing them and they are missing me. Is this worth it?

I finally decided after praying and meditating to leave my new job. They all understood my postion and seem to be supportive of it. I feel sad knowing that my last official day will be friday if I stay all that day. I definatley will miss the people that I work with, even though I dont know them that well I do feel apart of their lives and like they are a part of my life that I feel I will be missing. I really feel down and my emotional self cant but help to cry.

So in this I have been doing a lot of soul searching and self discovery. I just ponder and continously think about what is my purpose, what am I suppose to do, ahhhh. I dont think that I will ever know exactly or the future but only the now and then I am suppose to trust God with the rest. He has me in his hands and will guide me and provide for me. I have to believe that. That is was I am in a contunial process of learning.

All I want to do is be at his feet, I just want to get into the place of true and intimate worship with him and that I want to live again. I just want to live for him and think about him and worship him. I just want to feel alive and not like I am living in a dead mans shell. I want to be sold out. I want God to move in me. If he uses me to do great things, big or small that is what I want him to do. I want to be molded and stretched into a better person and I want to love others no matter how bad they drive me nutz. I just want to be so passionate about people that I see them as souls that need help rather than people I dont like because of this or that.

My grandma had a stroke and me and my dad drove down to Arkansas an 8 hour trip away and it was on fathers day. We worried about my grandmad and they still dont know the cause and are doing more tests but for now she is all right and getting use to things and trying to be more active. That help me to think that our time on this Earth is short and are we going to make an impact on it or are we just going to sit around and do nothing.

I have to do something, even if I feel a million miles away from you Lord, I will still trust that you are there and I will serve you and I will honor and adore your name.

Be my savior and breath a new life into my soul oh lord, please help me to truly live again.